They Brew it, I sell it, You Drink it... and so do I..

Tuesday 29 November 2011

Chav Beer

Please note: If you like good beer, this is what your government thinks of you.

Yo geezers! I was in t'market t'other day and I saw this stupid looking beer stall. It had loads of stupid looking beers from loads of foreigners, I passed them by cos I don't want to associate with foreigners.. I did see one though which was a tinnie. I drink my beers from a tin, it's the way God intended it! My beer of choice is Stella, I usually get through 6 pint tinnies a night and bloody love it! I picked up this beer tin because it said on the side it was 15.5%, I thought bloody hell! that will get me pissed real quick, I'll buy one of those tings.

I thought it would be real cool to drink this before a night out in Oceana, after all I needed to get drunk before I went out, those stingy bastards are always charging too much for vodka and coke. I was proper disapointed once I opened the tin, there was a bloody bottle inside! Rip off or what! And the bottle was tiny as well, I paid nuff for this, and the tin wasn't even full of beer.

Oh well, I bought it now and I aint returning it, I'd look like a proper muppet. The brewers from this 'O' brewery must be cool anyway, cos their label is covered in proper Egyptian graffiti innit. It had a real cool name. I poured it out and it was proper dark innit, it was like a Guinness me dad drinks.

I started to drink this stuff and thought right away I'd made a bloody mistake. Why the hell did I buy this, it smelled like a a hazelnut coffee me mum used to drink. I had it out of my prized Stella glass which I robbed from t'pub down the road, I drink all my drink out of that glass, even my high end Smirnoff vodka like. I tell you what this beer got me pretty pissed quite quickly blud, even if it did taste like a coffee that my mum had made with ten sugars in it.

The beer got me reaching for my fridge before I went out, so I went for the only thing I ever eat with my beers:

I bloody love a few tinnies and pizza, I'd eat it for the rest of my life if it didn't kill me by 45... The beer might have been in a stupid small bottle, and it might have been really bloody expensive, but it did get me really pissed, and after that, and loads of WKDs in Oceana I managed to pull a proper fit bird - I'm gonna have to start every night with one of these from now on, It's a guaranteed lay maker!

Once again, if you drink beer, this is what people in any sort of power think of you, regardless of what beer you may drink.


  1. isn't this a tad inauthentic:

    "I poured it out and it was proper dark innit, it was like a Guinness me dad drinks."

    This kid knows who his father is?? ;)

  2. Awesome post! Couldn't agree more with the sentiment

  3. Haha just made me laugh, although is fairly true, oh well. Lay maker really sounds like a cheesy name for a beer, maybe its going to be the name for Nogne's next brew haha.