They Brew it, I sell it, You Drink it... and so do I..

Sunday, 31 July 2011

IPA Wars: The Southern Tier Clan vs The Myrcenary Batallion

It was time for war!

The two IPA factions could no longer keep the peace, diplomatic solutions had fallen on deaf ears and the discussions and civil cries had been a waste of time. There was only room for one IPA in this town, and that would have to be decided on the battlefield.

It was a misty morning. Troops were assembled and moved into position, the battle lines were drawn. The Southern Tier Clan were nervous. Even though their army was impressive, the Myrcenary Battalion was huge, double in fact! The ST Clan would not let this fact deter them though, they knew they had perfect strategy on their side, and many years of conquest under their belts. Both commanders locked eyes from across the field, they knew what was at stake and what needed to be done, the time for talk was over, there could only be one victor.

The ST Clan were first to mark their intentions. They blasted their mighty battle trumpet which boomed over the rolling hills with the notes of light lemon grass, charred caramel and dried straw. It was an intimidating war cry - there was no doubt about that. The Myrcenary Battalion responded in kind however. A flood of dried apricots, orange pith and marshmallows reigned down upon the plains, scattering the faint of heart.

Movement commenced. The ST Clan cried "Forward!" The malt body of their forces surged forward, confident of the combat skills they knew only too well, after all they got a 6.9% in their percentage trials and a 96 on the tables of RateBeer.

Grapefruit bombs were unleashed, and their presence was immediately acknowledged. But the M Battalion were swift into battle as well. They loved a challenge and with their 9.3% on the percentage trials and a 98 on the tables of RateBeer, they already could smell the sweet scent of victory in the air. Their caramel cannons fired great mango bombs into the ST malt troops and were instantly overwhelmed by the sticky sweetness.

ST Clan were expecting these casualties though and proceeded to drive their hop division to flank the M Battalions position. The spicy hop division were very green though and immediately ran into problems. M Battalions own hop divisions had anticipated this move and were already storming over the hills and swarming over the ST Clan. This didn't worry ST though as they had a larger number of hops and quickly dispatched of the issues. Hop explosions shook the battlefield for many hours, it was quite a scene to behold.

The battle raged on.

Malt bodies fell in their thousands as yeast artillery pounded each side. The devastation was overwhelming. Just as it looked like no side would be the victor, the ST Clan deployed their secret weapon, their Trojan horse if you will: their ability to regroup and call for reinforcements!

The M Battalion were really in trouble now. ST had called upon a new batch of warriors; a new IPA, fresh and ready for battle from the training fridge. Would this be the final downfall of M Battalions forces? The ability of ST Clan to produce and use their batches at a quicker pace? Only time would tell.

As the moon rose over the crimson stained battleground, both commanders were still locked in battle with one another. No one ever managed to find records for the battle. Some say there was a lone figure standing atop many fallen brethren, some say the battle never truly ended. Say what you will about it, just say and echo until the next IPA Wars that it was a war of epic proportions!

Long live the memory of our IPA brethren.

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